TRANSCRIPT OF A MEETING AT EZELL’S WORLD HEADQUARTERS

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Ezell’s Famous Fried Chicken has its world corporate headquarters across the street from my house. I know this because, quite often, there is a minivan with the Ezell’s logo over there, and there are wifi networks that could only belong to Ezell’s world headquarters.

They do important business over there. Here is a totally true, accurate transcript of a conversation I recently overheard when I passed by the conference room.

ACCURATE, REAL TRANSCRIPT OF CONVERSATION

EMPLOYEE ONE: Listen, guys, the chicken is too delicious.

EMPLOYEE TWO: Nonsense. There’s no such thing.

EMPLOYEE ONE: It’s true. We’ve made our chicken too good. We took over that weird Uptown Espresso storefront on 45th, for chrissakes. Even Wallingford bows to our will.

EMPLOYEE THREE: What’s the problem? We’re spreading delicious fried chicken to a grumpy neighborhood. That can only be a good thing.

EMPLOYEE ONE: But what if we’re contributing to a sense of well-being that prevents the construction of much-needed transportation and housing? What if we’re making the NIMBYs win?

EMPLOYEE TWO: We can’t just embargo all of north Seattle. They deserve delicious chicken too. You’ve never had a problem with the Lake City location, after all.

EMPLOYEE ONE: Yeah, but those guys are cool. I just don’t think that they deserve this chicken in Wallingford. And think of the Taco Time! Our chicken is just TOO DELICOUS! What if we put it out of business and there isn’t anywhere to get that awesome crushed ice that they have?

EMPLOYEE THREE: It’s cool. They have that crushed ice at Dick’s, too, and it’s just down the street. It will be fine.

EMPLOYEE TWO: God damn it, we’ve just made our chicken too damn good. I have a solution. We’ll stop offering the original recipe at that location, and only offer the spicy.

EMPLOYEE ONE: What will that solve? Our spicy isn’t that spicy.

EMPLOYEE TWO: Yeah, but it’s too spicy for those people.

EMPLOYEE THREE: Forget it, guys. Our whole business is selling delicious fried chicken to people who want it. That’s how we make money. We can’t put ourselves out of business.

EMPLOYEE ONE: Damn it, you’re right. This is what happens when you win at your own game.

Originally published at how’s your morale?.

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